​​“What were you feeling when you painted that?” 

Although I now welcome that question, until recently I dreaded it. Not wanting to answer, I’d defer with “I like to allow the observer to decide how it makes them feel” - a response that helped me to safely avoid answering, while leaving a bit of mystery.  The reality was I just wasn’t aware of what I was feeling or what my paintings were expressing.  Painting was just me “bypassing my brain” as I liked to say, and I felt ridiculous admitting that.

I was unable to connect my feelings to my art because, while I didn’t realize it at the time, I have ADHD. 

For most of my life I felt like I was living alone in the fast-paced chaos of my mind, always searching for something, but with no idea what I was searching for. Despite having what many people would call “a perfect life”, by my late thirties I was exhausted trying to keep up appearances and eventually hit rock bottom.  After I picked myself back up, I felt a compelling urge to paint; a life-long desire that I finally gave myself permission to explore. 

I found joy in teaching myself to paint and surprisingly my mind became quiet and calm while painting.  My intense focus would stop all time and allow me to escape my inner chaos, enabling me to safely cope with my undiagnosed ADHD.  

In those moments I was able to fully be myself for the first time in my life. My new inner peace afforded me the opportunity to gain some important insights that would ultimately lead me to the life I am so grateful to have now:  I realized I was lesbian and found my best friend and life partner, Kat; I became aware of some of my patterns of relating to people that were detrimental to my emotional well-being; I sought support with my ADHD. 

These healthy changes helped me to finally find what I had always been searching for: a better connection with my feelings, more meaningful relationships with the ones I love, and connecting with the world around me.

 
I hope people enjoy my art and that my story might encourage others to make some necessary changes in their own lives.